TSS#50 – How to unfuck your sleep schedule

In today’s Stray Sheep we’ll talk about resetting your sleep schedule and how to tackle that. I’m proficient in this as I’ve reset my sleep schedule quite often and hence, I’m letting y’all know how I do things!

So, my sleep schedule is fucked right now and alas I’m trying to unfuck it. But how does one tackle such an enormous task as to unfuck something that has been fucked so much that you can’t sleep at night and flat out become nocturnal?

EDIT: Don’t do this too often or it can cause some serious damage. Sleep pills can work but often have side effects. Instead just try to sleep at a normal time with your phone at the other end of the room and an alarm set up properly. This post is more of a joke post. When you reset your sleep schedule this way you won’t be able to make up the missing sleep on the next day or the day after that and hence you’ll probably still feel bad – or not. Either way, every now and then this method may be extreme but still work. Other time it’s really not good.

Well, first things first: You need to sleep as usual and try to fix it the normal way by going to sleep at a “normal” time (aka before midnight). If that doesn’t work, you’ll stay up for the whole night. Do whatever you want during that time and keep yourself busy. You can drink coffee if you want to. Don’t go for drinks as they make you sleepy. Being sleepy is not something that you want, no matter how weird that may sound.

Our goal is to stay up for a whole night and day until the appropriate time to sleep, after all!

Now, during the night you want to be awake but don’t be restless – I mean reckless! Naps are your enemy. Don’t trust naps. Naps will kill you in your sleep and fuck you up real bad.
Instead, aim for anything involving a screen or monitor to fuck up your eyes as well. Turn off the blue light filter and work on your blogs, streams, videos, play games, watch shows and stay awake. Important here: Don’t get the cozy blanket out. Blankets are death. Blankets are evil! They’ll make you feel comfortable and that’s gonna hurt you. Instead opt in for clothing that is appropriate for this adventure. Something that is breezy but not too breezy. You don’t want to catch a cold but you also don’t want to feel warm enough to fall asleep at your desk.

Next up, you gotta know that coffee makes you feel tired and has other unpleasant side-effects. Coffee surely wakes you up, so one cup or a can (depending on you) should be alright for a night/day BUT the first few minutes you’ll feel sleepier than usual and alas you’re going to fall asleep a lot better. Now, that might sound quite good for when you want to sleep but as you don’t exactly know when it’s going to kick in, you don’t always want a cup of coffee before you go to sleep. Instead, go for it after you’ve slept.

So, coffee makes you feel a bit sleepy, so don’t lay down – even for “just five minutes”. Naps are evil chaotic while coffee is chaotic neutral. (I guess?)

Once you’ve had your caffeine from your caffeine-source of choice (be it tea, energy drinks, coffee or others) you’ll want to stay hydrated. Caffeine dehydrates you and dehydration makes you feel shit, dizzy or sleepy. You don’t want any of that. Also, you probably know this but, don’t have too much caffeine or you’ll be so hyped up that you’ll punch a hole in the toilet bowl. You don’t want that.

Over the day go for plenty of stretches and take a few steps through your flat or place of choice. Don’t go outside too much though because of COVID-19. You may not care about your health but you don’t want to risk those elderly people that you love and care about.
Staying at least a bit active on the movement side of things is important as your body doesn’t get time to relax. If you move too much or even strain your body, your body will be tense at first and relax later when you sit down. That may be quite bad for you as you don’t want to relax too much and fall asleep at your desk or place of choice.

While the day is going on, you should try to drink plenty of water as that will naturally keep you awake.

You may want to wash your face every few hours to keep your eyes open and you may want to get fresh air into your room to keep your head up.

Once it’s all over and once you’re slowly approaching that nice little thing named “9 pm” or her sister “10 pm” or her brother “11 pm” or her parent of choice named “midnight”, you’ll want to relax again. So, go for a warm shower, listen to some relaxing music, slide into your most comfy bed-wear of choice and eventually head into your sleeping spot of choice, be it your bed, your wardrobe or your torture chamber. The choice is up to you and nobody will judge you for being comfortable in whatever shithole you sleep.

Before you sleep, you shouldn’t eat too much. Also, warm milk with honey sounds like a good idea as a last drink before the sleep but don’t overdo it as too much milk will fill you up quite easily again. Also, don’t drink before you wanna head to bed again as you won’t want to get up again in the mornings. Last but not least, don’t forget to turn on the blue filters a few hours before going to sleep or – even better – don’t use a monitor or screen at all before going to sleep as it will keep you up a lot more than usual. Oh, and don’t forget your alarm.

I need about six to eight hours to function properly. Therefore I’ll have to go to sleep around midnight tonight and wake up around seven to eight in the morning or possibly go for another one or two hours to catch those extra hours I’ve been missing out on.

I hope you enjoyed the strong language and this guide to unfucking your sleep schedule.

Good luck with your sleep! I’m super exhausted as of late and maybe going to bed at the same time every day and waking up at the same time might help me out feel less tired. We’ll see. Hence, I’m resetting my sleep schedule right now and writing this post (and a review) for you guys.

Stay home! Stay safe! Stay healthy!

Cheers!