Crywank (<- link to their bandcamp page) is one of my favourite bands, ever. I’ve been listening to them for ages and even got to meet, hug and talk to Dan from Crywank a year and a half ago during a live concert! It’s a bummer that they split up but I still like to listen to their music every now and then and just dwell in thoughts and things.
One of their songs is called “Now I’m sad (Boo Hoo)” and is about the lyrical I being sad. I mean, duh, but in essence, there are a lot of thoughts in that song that I personally can resonate with really well. The first stanza is about the concept of happiness or the big idea of being satisfied that is being fed to us by others and media in general while the second stanza is about trying to meet those ideas and search for happiness, only to be “torn a new one”. Alas, the third stanza goes on about how hindsight destroys you, like when you ask yourself those “What If…” questions and then get sad about the fact that you’ll never be able to change any of the past. Alas, there’s this fantastical verse there, “And if the present is a gift, then I want to send it back”, that I just love and adore. The whole song gets eventually summed up with “the only thing I feel honest in expressing is the fact that I am sad”, which is glorious and rather true.
You never know when you’re truly happy and I feel like you can never be truly satisfied with the current situation but when you’re sad… you know that you’re sad. And I love that.
For whatever reason, I reminded myself of that song again and I listened back into other songs and was wondering if Crywank isn’t potentially romanticizing the idea of depression and being sad… but I think that it’s rather on the contrary. Crywank have been writing songs that helped me and others (from what I’ve heard at the concert back then) go through tough times. By de-stigmatizing the idea of being sad or depressed or anxious, they make it more accessible and understandable for others. By sharing their weird and sad and just lovely songs, they made me feel understood. Someone else out there feels the same as me and has gone through similar things and knows how I feel, I thought… and that helped me a lot.
Apart from that, I can really sympathise with verses like “Hindsight fucked me up, the past facilitates resentment” as it sums up my mood in the past couple of days. What if I had said something different? What if I had been more interested in sports during my school days? What if I had studied more? What if I hadn’t gone to certain parties? What if I had understood sarcasm better at a younger age? What if I had known earlier that I’m an autist? Would that have helped me? What if I hadn’t reacted to certain situations in the way I did? What if I hadn’t hit or kicked back when I got bullied? What if I hadn’t given a fuck about other people’s opinions?
But there’s really no use thinking about that kind of stuff. In the end, all the decisions I made in the past resulted in me becoming the person that I am today. Being undead has its merits and I’m sure I’ll be able to think more about this kind of stuff in the future, especially as I’ll live here forever, blogging about silly things and games and rambling away. I’ll be here and I’ll do what I’m doing already. Dwelling on the past won’t change a thing but it’s hard to just not do it.
So, the conclusion that I came to was to just not be sad about every awkward situation I’ve faced in the past or to just not remind myself of the instances of bullying and beatdowns and all of that crap that I’ve had to deal with. Instead, I’ll try to be kind of proud of things. Proud of not giving a crap eventually. Proud of learning my lesson. Proud of realising at a rather early age that having plenty of friends doesn’t mean a thing if they talk badly about you behind your back. Proud of finding some of the best friends I could wish for by turning away from toxic people that I had to deal with in my schooldays.
And I’m still learning things about myself and about humans in general and I’m still getting to know so many people. All of them are different and I love that.
In the end, it doesn’t matter too much how I feel about the past but I just try to be more positive about it. I try to think back and take pride in how I ended up being instead of dwelling on whether or not it would have changed something if I had reacted differently or said something else.
Just some thoughts on a Friday-evening. Hope you enjoyed my rambling.