The Stray Sheep – Rebooting…

So, the title here is ambiguous.

1. I wanna talk about Blogging and specifically “The Stray Sheep” as I called it ages ago… and I just sorta wanna share some thoughts on it as a category on this blog.
2. I wanna talk about life, priorities, schedules, university, health, etc. – and how I sometimes feel like I could use a good ol’ reboot.

I’ll get into the former first and I’ll talk about the latter later, so if you don’t like Mental Health stuff (this functions as a content warning!), you can leave once the second header or when that next image comes into view.

Sounds good?

Sounds good.

1. The Stray Sheep

Originally, in July of 2019, I planned on just writing about Indie Games. I wanted to write reviews on here on games that I found amazing that don’t really get too much of a shinelight. At the same time, though, Blaugust rolled in and I noticed that I can’t write daily reviews… especially not with the stab wound in my hand that needed to heal still at the time.

Thus, “The Stray Sheep” came to life.

Named after the bar where a majority of “Catherine” plays in, one of my favourite games. That bar was named like that for the reason that it’s a place where the lost find a nice and cosy spot to hang out at… that’s not the exact wording but I don’t remember the exact wording.

Anyway, it was supposed to be a category about Life, Health, Mental Health, as well as topics that I wanted to talk about that didn’t have a place in the other categories. Hence, it’s a mish-mash of topics all collected under the umbrella of “The Stray Sheep”.

Nowadays, though, I’ve been struggling to title posts where I just give an update on things in life, health, mental health, etc.

It started out with “A Stray Sheep on Life” – a post that I thought would just be one post and one post only. I don’t want to talk about my health or whatever as I don’t feel exactly comfortable with that or any implications that may have – implications (BTW/FYI) that just sort of exist in my head that probably do not really take root in anything that exists in life. Thus, I’ll leave it at just that without getting too much further into it.

Anyway, I noticed that it was quite liberating to just get it off my chest that I’m scared or anxious at times about certain things… or that I am feeling down or that I’ve got an episode again or that I’m stressed or under pressure or whatever. It felt good to just get it out there and to sometimes get advice from people who read those thoughts and actually got me.

So, long story short, I’ll keep doing this but I’ll add a little number to it. “Life Update #1” or whatever… “Health Update #4” or something… Sort of like there’s some chronology to it, I guess?

And if anyone actually is concerned about things, they’ll be able to check the past posts on the matter in an order that makes sense, I guess?

So, if I talk about sudden blindness again (like later in this post), people won’t go “wait, what?” but rather “Oh, he mentioned it there!” – ha. ha.

IDK, it’s just some stupid thing I got hung up about.

More than anything, I’ll try to have little sub-categories in The Stray Sheep. So, when I comment on something or try to have some sort of discussion, I’ll title it The Stray Discussion or something and it will still be in this category but it should be easier to spot where I’m actually analyzing a specific prompt or topic (discussion) and where I’m simply sharing my thoughts (comment).

Does that make sense?

So, this is sort of like a soft reboot and I just wanted to talk about that.

2. I’d like to reboot my life.

As mentioned above, content warnings for mental health stuff.

Before I get into this, I want to clarify what I don’t mean by “reboot”.

I don’t mean something like “ending it” as there is no way to start again after that, obviously. I also don’t mean running away or escaping or redoing my life choices and quitting the blog or other hobbies. I also don’t exactly mean stopping other things like my current degree (that is taking too long already…) or my relationship or whatnot…

Rather, I mean something along the lines of “taking a step back” and “reapproaching”. Aka a reboot. Turn it off and turn it on again.

I feel like I’m at a cross-road sort of. I talked about it previously that I will work on a bunch of different classes this semester to basically get the credits necessary to essentially continue to get my studies funded. At the same, I’m already feeling anxious about it as I’m not quite sure how to approach this quite yet.

I’m anxious.

I don’t know exactly where I went wrong or what I’ll do but I’ll manage somehow probably. I’ve been having a hard time with the simplest things like taking care of myself or getting out of bed or simply cooking food.

I haven’t really left the house in a few days.

Frankly, I feel bad when I look back at what I did during the day but I feel alright during the day.

I know I can do better… but I just won’t. It’s the “just this last one” of being lazy and depressed and shit.

At the same time, I feel like I’m running out of time. My eyes are getting worse and I keep going “blind” for hours on end. The time it takes until my eyes return to normal is getting longer every time. At the same time, it happens more frequently as well, and it’s frankly scaring the shit out of me.

How the fuck am I supposed to deal with this?

Last week when I went shopping for groceries, I noticed that it started again, so I immediately went to the doctor neer the grocery store and clocked in saying my eyes are getting fuzzy and that I can’t see. Then, while in the waiting room, I couldn’t see at all. The GP there checked and I didn’t have a stroke. Apparently, he shined a light into my eyes but I don’t know if he actually did that or not.

Then he called an ambulance. In the hospital, I waited for a good few hours (groceries still in hand btw), got my tests done, etc.

The results ended up being nothing. They have no clue what it is. After three more hours, I was able to see again and I was allowed to leave after a few more blood tests. Apparently, they went too deep and my arm got all bloody again. Thank god, I couldn’t see that.

So, that shit is happening.

The daily headaches that I have have gotten somewhat better but they are still not perfect.

Apart from going to university (a few classes started after all), I haven’t really left my home given that I’m scared that I’ll turn blind again.

I mean, if it happens while I’m outside, I could get run over by a car or something. If it happens while I’m at home, I could end up accidentally falling off the balcony or destroying my favourite mug or whatnot… So, I went to the gym after university and then went home immediately. Nothing happened on the way. All is good. It didn’t happen again since last week.

But it’s been only a week.

Tomorrow, I’ve got to leave the house for a doctor’s appointment related to the issues I have at night with breathing and whatnot… I’ll also make an appointment with the optician, for obvious reasons. I’ve got another appointment at the dentist next week (Maybe the eye thing comes from headaches that also could come from the teeth or something? Who knows?^^), and I’ve got an appointment with the internal specialist the week after. Hopefully, all is well.

So, uh, reboot.

I’m writing this right now and I get stressed just thinking about all the things I have to do and all the things that worry me and honestly… I wanna try a different approach.

I’ll try to go to bed early tonight. I’ll try to get up early tomorrow. I’ll make breakfast. Clean my room, go for a morning walk or something, and then I’ll try to not think about it. Then I’ll try to actually make a to-do list and deal with things step by step. Earlier I washed the dishes. I hate doing that. I’m proud of myself. Baby steps.

Starting tomorrow morning, I’ll give myself a good kick in the bum and try to actually function and when something stresses me out, I’ll write it down and think about how to deal with that stress exactly. Writing it down will also function as a way to determine whether or not this is the cause of my headaches or not.

If it’s not my body, it’s my mind.

Who knows? Maybe the headaches are a way to punish me for being lazy or something?

Starting tomorrow, I’ll also try to get a post out for the next day. Make it my ritual again. I’ve been writing on the same evening I’m posting for so long now that it added a bit of stress and pressure to my day-to-day-life that I don’t really need right now.

Basically, rebooting my schedules is the goal for now. Get up early, go to bed timely, eat frequently, set a timer for every single annoying thing in my life, and write down things on a to-do list.

My partner does to-do lists and I never thought they’d work for me – but I also never tried, so that’s gonna be the plan for now. Start doing things from a list and see if that helps with getting my shit together.

Oh and… I’ll still stream a few times this week as that brings me joy these days. Starting next week, I won’t be able to do that as much… but I’ll try sticking to a schedule on weekends and maybe Thursday mornings, depending on whether or not my studies allow it… I kinda hope that streaming turns into this “rewarding” mechanism for me for actually being a functioning adult. Meanwhile, blogging is just my passion and hobby and it’s gonna be the thing I do when I have time before going to bed.

So, in conclusion:

Life’s not great at the moment because of the health stuff and whatnot…

But I’m hoping that I’ll do better soon… and I’ll write again about how this “reboot” is working out for me.

This post was first published on Indiecator by Dan Indiecator aka MagiWasTaken. If you like what you see here and want to see more, you can check me out on Twitch and YouTube as well.