Well, I’m single again.

I haven’t written any posts in a while and it’s not because I didn’t want to but more so because I get anxiety over publishing something I care about. I have quite a few reviews lined up, actually, as well as other posts… and they’re all my babies and I want people to like them. I guess I’m post parent or something in this metaphor and I gave birth to a pack of posts. Anyhow.

Today I wanted to break the habit and just write about what’s been going on and why I’m returning.

I mean, the “why didn’t I post” is mostly explained by a lack of time, a lack of spoons and the publishing-anxiety thing I mentioned above which I talked about in the past as well.

Anyhow, today’s topic will be my more recent breakup. Yay.

Oh, and for whatever reason I named sections after songs that I like, so, have fun! You don’t have to listen to it but I just figured, it’d be good instead of stressing over screenshots that might fit. Perhaps you’ll find a new favourite song this way, a wave of nostalgia, or anything that makes you happy because you deserve to feel happy.

You’re loved and appreciated. You matter.

Break Up.

So, on the 29th of April, my long-term partner of five years and I have broken up. There were a plethora of issues from the long-distance thing to communication stuff but all in all, it was for the better. I’m single again. My username “MagiWasTaken” now is actually true. I was taken. No longer. Huzzah?

Anyhow, that’s just life. People come, people go, and I’m looking forward to meeting new people and staying in touch with old acquaintances.

Honestly, I felt shit on that Monday and Tuesday. I went out on Tuesday, had a lovely time walking around in a forest and got lost for a few hours on Wednesday, May 1st, and I essentially got to clear my head a lot.

Some friends brought me comfort food, other friends were there for me with great advice, I also got to play a lot of ukulele which cleared my head a bunch and helped me let out a lot of these feelings I’ve had. I got to cry a bunch and clear my head, and then on Thursday, I went to university again. I felt good-ish. Like, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling “great” but I was “okay” and that surprised me.

And now, a week later, I feel pretty good.

I’m still not great. I do think about stuff from time to time, and I do feel pretty lonely but I can distract myself a fair bit from those feelings by going out with friends, streaming, playing games and playing the ukulele. Also Art! Getting back into that!

A Man Without Love

To dive deeper into why I think I feel not as bad as I would have thought… long-distance sucks. Period.

It’s very hard to maintain and I tried my best but eventually, I didn’t get the same amount of attention that I’ve given to my partner, and sometimes when we talked, I wasn’t able to completely reciprocate the energy that she wanted to receive.

Sometimes there were issues that she just didn’t want to talk about, too, but rather than telling me that there was something and that she would talk to me about it at another point in time when she was ready, she would just tell me everything is fine. And then a few weeks later, she’d tell me.

But I noticed that something was up and I knew that she wanted to talk about something but because I didn’t want her to get upset at me, I just gave her the space and time she needed. Like, after asking if she’s sure two more times at which she usually would be annoyed, understandably so. I eventually even gave up that spiel.

And then I would end up questioning stuff. I overthink a lot. This up and down of relationship stuff is pretty bad for my mental health, after all, and most of the time, when we had those conversations, it went well afterwards but only for so long. Soon enough, we’d have to talk about something else that transpired months in the past, sometimes, and it just felt kind of toxic. It’s not, really, but this being lead to something serious and being punished via cold shoulder and all that seemed very unfair to me.

That’s also where long-distance being stupid comes in. I have needs. I need cuddles and hugs and quality time and words of affirmation, and in this relationship – and more specifically in long-distance relationships -, it’s hard to get all that sufficiently. Words of affirmation and compliments and the like were already hard to come by.

It’s Ok I wouldn’t Remember Me Either

I take love language pretty literally, being cheeky and flirty and corny and all that all the time and while it made my partner roll her eyes quite often, it also made her laugh, made her smile, made her day at times even, and that made me happy.

But again, not being able to get intimate as often, not being able to kiss, hug or cuddle as often, and not being able to literally just hold hands while going on a walk or feel the weight of her head on my arm while we’re taking a nap or sleep… it sucks. And there was really not a great way to fix that aside from meeting up more often but different schedules make that hard, not to mention that we had 5.5 hours of trains between us. Fast trains, btw. It gets pricey, too.

So, there was a lot of stuff.

I’ve noticed how I’ve felt incredibly lonely and unhappy in the past few months and I figured that “doubt is a part of faith” and as such, I just need to overcome the doubt and have more faith in the relationship and her.

I tried to be understanding and trusting. I tried to give her the space she needed and when she brought something up, I’d listen to her, hear her out, and really think about what I just heard before I’d say something – and that worked fine.

Again, just doing what I would want to see in my partner, essentially. Be affectionate, trusting, loyal, understanding and honest.

I’m a hypocrite. I know.

I felt unhappy and I was not able to breach the subject even if I find open conversation and direct communication important.

There just was never a good time to do it since she had presentations and work and celebrations and all that going on, so I just never was sure when we could have those serious conversations… and by the time we met up, I already felt better again and figured that I’m just overthinking things.

There would be no conversation if I didn’t write to or call her and that made me very unhappy and it’s only something I’ve noticed somewhat recently which I wanted to talk about, too. Well, we talked about it at the end there.

I didn’t feel appreciated, honestly, but it was still a good relationship. We would not have been together for half a decade if it was that bad, right? It’s just that in hindsight, you see the bad stuff more clearer.

She wasn’t the best girlfriend for me these past few months and she thought it would be unfair for me to be trapped in this just because I love her. And to the very end, it felt like that feeling was mutual.

We didn’t break up because we didn’t love each other anymore. We broke up because we were concerned for each other and because we were not good for each other, so to speak.

We do intend to stay friends because we’ve been friends for six years now, the five years of romantic feelings ain’t gonna change that. Right now, I told her that I’m here in case of emergencies or if she just needs anyone to talk or vent to… but I’ll keep my distance for a while. She said that she understands that and that she hopes that I’ll feel better soon.

And I do.

Übersleep

Look, feelings are stupid.

I’m not saying that it’s stupid to feel things. My masculinity is not that fragile. I’m just saying that they’re illogical. They don’t make sense.

After my first-ever relationship, I was heartbroken for a year. We weren’t together for that long, actually, maybe a few months, and she helped me in a lot of ways that I notice to this day.

I used to be shy, incredibly anxious and have really bad self-esteem issues. She fixed that. She was the first person I ever got intimate with. Anyhow, we broke up at some point because we both couldn’t do long-distance anymore. We eventually returned to being friends after a year and a few months.

Afterwards, I go into a relationship with someone else who was incredibly jealous, had huge trust-issues, was incredibly hypocritical and even got abusive. Verbally, physically, mentally. One time, I had to cancel one of our weekly dates because I had work and on that weekend, I worked thirty-two hours on two days, which was not great… also illegal… Anyway.

When we still ended up meeting up after all even though I was completely exhausted, she was upset at me throughout the whole time and I ended up falling asleep while she was pouting. When I woke up, she was really pissed off and started choking me… and then I passed out again.

Anyhow, she left me after cheating on me after seven months. I was “too nice” to break up and I always figured she’d mean it whenever she said she’d get better. I always trusted her. That was bad. And then I eventually was cheated on, and frankly, I was just glad it was over.

After a month, I was over it already.

And then, the next relationship, was pretty much the best I had up to that point. I was 17, turned 18 later, when I got to know her and even though she had some issues… I still figured it’s alright. “German-Russians can only marry Germans or Russians”, well, we’re not marrying anytime soon, eh? So, not an issue right now.

Anyhow, at that point in time, I got left for some German dude. It hurt a lot but after a few months, I got better. That relationship wasn’t all that long, either, yet it took me a few months.

I’m bringing up those three examples here to just show that it’s not really logical. The length of the relationship doesn’t correlate with the length of your “feeling shit” phase if that makes sense. I felt guilty at first for already feeling this good but then I remembered that I’m getting older and more mature. I’m 25 now. I’ve probably gotten better at dealing with this stuff over the years, with experience, and having educated myself on a lot of mental health stuff helped.

Also, I’m autistic. That probably does a thing or two as well.

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And well, this one lasted five years. I honestly don’t think I’m “over it” but I definitely feel “normal” if that makes sense. It’s been only two weeks now since the break-up but it feels like it’s been months in a way. The breakup hurt me, of course, but in a way, I’m happy to move on right now, genuinely. I’m looking forward to being friends again with my now-ex-partner and to just have conversations with her on the phone from time to time. I believe romantic relationships are higher maintenance than platonic ones and perhaps that’s just what we were meant to be. I’m not sure.

Thinking About A Potentially Awkward Interaction with an Old Friend

There’s a part of me that thinks back at various trips from years ago with nostalgia and not melancholy if that makes sense. A few days ago, I stumbled across a really old photo of me and my last partner from four years ago roughly… and it made me feel happy. I didn’t feel like I wished that I could turn back time and relive that but rather, “That was really stupid, we were really good friends, weren’t we?” and that made me happy.

I deleted the photos of us kissing, though. That’s low-key kind of weird. Why did we take those?

Anyhow, instead of just staying in bed all day and feeling shit and doing all the things that I would usually do after a breakup, I went out, went for a drink or a few with friends (all within control, of course) I just had fun. I progressed with my ukulele-ing and learned a bunch of depressing songs that really helped me let out these feelings and cry. I wasn’t able to cry during the breakup. I cried a lot, though, when I told my parents. I cried a lot while singing the depressing song up there by Crywank and Commuted.

I’m more sad about possibly losing a friend than I am about losing a relationship. I hope that we can successfully stay friends.

Anyhow, I just wanted to vent a bit and ramble about feelings and relationships and I genuinely am in a much better place mentally. It comes in waves, though, obviously, and I expect to feel shit soon again but until then I’ll enjoy this emotional high.

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More blog posts soon! Sorry for the lack of posts. Again, lack of time, lack of spoons, and that stupid “publishing post anxiety” essentially. :)

This post was originally written by Dan Dicere from Indiecator.

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