I’m still alive!

CW: references to suicide later on in the post

Sorry, I haven’t written any posts in a while and yesterday, I nearly missed the date to push the “guess I died, oops” post back by another month as I typically do. So, I figured I’d share a little insight into what’s going on at the moment, how I’m doing, and why I haven’t been writing anything lately.

First of all, I’m doing fine. I’m okay. Just don’t read the post if the CW above is triggering to you. Thanks! Sorry! Be careful!

So, my lectures are over for this semester and it’s time to prepare for lots of exams. Huzzah! I’m done with one of them already and I’ve got another this upcoming week, as well as a bunch of other deadlines that I can’t miss. Hence, I need to focus a bit on that.

Regardless of that, though, I’ve been streaming a bunch. In fact, I’ll stream today at 6 PM GMT+2 again. We’re doing an “Artlocke” in Pokémon FireRed tonight, continuing what we started on Friday. It’s a randomized FireRed Nuzlocke where I draw the Pokémon I catch and stuff, so come hang out, it’s pretty fun!

I still try to make time for the streams because they help me socialize a bit, hang out with people I like and also showcase games that are pretty cool. I’m a fan of what I’m doing and very passionate about it… meanwhile, I love blogging but I’ve just not been able to publish any of the reviews, comments and discussion-type posts that I’ve been creating. I hope that “hitting publish” on this one is gonna help me a bit get over that anxiety I’m feeling.

I love blogging, after all, and it sucks to not get to do it as much either due to time constraints or due to me being weird about publishing even the rambliest of posts.

Oh, also Blaugust is around the corner. Post on that very soon! I’ll participate again in that one but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do 31 posts this year. It’s just a bit hectic for me in real life and my state of mind is a bit weird.

Aside from that, I’m going through a tough time offline with people spreading rumours about me that are now being picked up by important folks who are students themselves and nobody believes me when I say that I didn’t do it. Listening to these reports and rumours is important but if there’s no evidence, we shouldn’t just judge people or ostracise them, right?

Standing up in the face of discrimination is important but we shouldn’t discriminate against alleged culprits and slander them, let alone ostracize them from society. Anyhow, I’ll write a post about this at some point.

If I didn’t love my family so much and if I didn’t have friends online and offline who know very well how those allegations don’t match up with my values and conduct, I’d be a goner now. Genuinely.

But my mental health is good for now. It’s getting worse but I’ll seek help soon enough and I know a number or a few that I can call when things get really dark. So, don’t worry! I’ll be fine, I think. At least I’m trying to stay positive in light of everything.

Aside from that, it’s been two months and a bit since my relationship ended and I did a lot better all of a sudden a week or so in… I just missed my ex-partner as a friend all of a sudden and now we’ve started talking again, even having a phone call the other day that lasted a whole hour. I hope we can successfully mend our friendship and return to how things were before we got together.

I’m still feeling lonely though and I wish I could just cuddle with friends. Like, not in a “weird” way but more in a “just cuddling” type of way. Normalize cuddling with homies, thank you. I am introverted and anxious. Leaving the house is taxing, as is, even worse with that other stuff going on… and I barely have the spoons to go out there and socialize but I need to do that or the loneliness will get to me in a bad way. So, I’m struggling at the moment.

My drawing skills have been getting better. I learned how to play Freebird on the ukulele, too, the other day because Blockade requested it during one of my streams. Oh, and I’m overheating in my flat since I’m right under the roof and it’s summer. Oof.

All that said, life is good-ish and I’ll hang in there. I’ll try to get back into the groove with blog posts and stuff once I have more spoons. Sorry for the lack of posts, I’m just struggling, but I’m hanging in there!

This post was originally written by Dan Dicere from Indiecator.

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