Now this one’s the last one?

I know I wrote about it a while ago but uh, quitting the smokes is incredibly hard. Last time, I really thought it’d be the last one. It’s unhealthy, expensive, and it smells bad and… I’ve done quite well for a whole month but then kind of ended up relapsing.

It was one of those mis-purchases where your brain goes “quitting was surprisingly easy! Let’s reward you by buying just one pack and quitting again immediately” and then you smoke one out of 20 cigs and before you know it again, you’re done with the pack in two days… and get another. And bam! Back in the loop. Addiction is rough. But yeah, for a whole month it went great and then I was back at it again… So yesterday, I tried again. Patches are expensive and don’t really help too much, so it’s really just cold turkey for me that could/would help out. Uh, yesterday was day 2 again and it’s just incredibly hard. The last time, I tried to quit it was a lot easier but I don’t know what exactly it is that made it easier for me…

So, this time around, I’m trying to keep myself busy. Liquorice candy on the balcony instead of smoke breaks, coffee or tea throughout the day, a drink in the evening, and well, streaming to keep me distracted for longer periods. It’s not optimal but I’m trying it again and while it’s not working as well this time around, I trust that the feeling of wanting a cig will go away after a few days again once I’ve stopped thinking about it.

I believe the worst part about starting again, even if it’s only for a few days, is that feeling of guilt and shame I had. I know I’m quitting for myself mainly but I felt incredibly bad about doing it again, even though it’s not like I promised to anyone. Heck, I only now finally had enough guts to write about it because I was so ashamed of admitting to fucking up in front of you guys… It’s weird. Same with my girlfriend: Admitting that I smoked again was rough because of how proud she was of me for staying strong for a whole month. What’s worse is then that there are questions like “Why?” (etc.) and I can’t really explain how addiction feels like to someone who has never smoked or anything.

So, even though, I did accomplish staying away from smokes for a whole month, I don’t feel proud of it but am overrun by feelings like guilt and shame… Which is horrible. I don’t think that’s healthy? And I think I should quit for myself and not for others in the first place since I’ll end up starting again once these other people leave my life. At least, I’ve been told that. Uh, either way, this time around, I’ll try to be proud of myself and I’ll try to stick through it all. Maybe lots of teas and streams and whatnot can help me stick through it all? We’ll see.

Cheers!

This post was first published on Indiecator by Dan Indiecator aka MagiWasTaken. If you like what you see here and want to see more, you can check me out on Twitch and YouTube as well.

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