The Urge to Speak Up

I’ve done things that I’m not proud of. I remember getting into silly arguments and not reading the room plenty of times. I remember getting on people’s bad side for speaking up about things or for wanting to prove them wrong. I remember times I got bullied or beaten up for the stupidest of reasons during my school years – and because I talked to a teacher about it, matters got worse for me.

Hence, I have mixed feelings about speaking up about things that bother me. If it’s with people I care about, I will communicate my feelings and try to resolve any issues that arise. At the same time, I wish that others would do the same with me as I can’t read the room and I can’t peak into people’s minds.

And well, things have happened. I’m regularly on Twitch and I’m a part of a bunch of communities. I used to be part of a lot more but… now I’m not.

A lot has happened. And I wanna talk about it. Some of that stuff I found incredibly fishy… I found horrible about some things that were said to me. I know from one source that people hold stuff against me to this day, so every action I take on Twitch or Twitter is accompanied by me thinking about whether or not people will think badly of me because of that. What if people think that I’m doing X because of Y? It’s that. Constantly, it’s that thought.

I used to go to a therapist for a bunch of things, especially about my relationship with my parents and some trauma… and even though I wanted to bring stuff up about all of this… I never could.

I have this urge to speak up about it and talk about my side of the story but I can’t do it. I don’t know why I feel like I have to say something… but I do know that if I were to say anything, people would just lie about it and then I’d get targeted next, just like a friend of mine who got character assassinated on Twitter a while ago after a break-up.

Even on here, I’m keeping stuff super vague. I know that not all of these people read my blog but some of them do from time to time, and I feel like anything that could allude to anything could possibly result in me getting attacked for it because people are stupid.

And it sounds like I’m paranoid about it but I saw it happening first-hand to people I used to watch a lot who can’t set one foot on this platform anymore, despite the things they did for others. It’s horrible.

Anyway, I just wanted to mention this. Even if I kept things vague, I got to talk about it a little.

This post was first published on Indiecator by Dan Indiecator aka MagiWasTaken. If you like what you see here and want to see more, you can check me out on Twitch and YouTube as well.

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