I’ve done things that I’m not proud of. I remember getting into silly arguments and not reading the room plenty of times. I remember getting on people’s bad side for speaking up about things or for wanting to prove them wrong. I remember times I got bullied or beaten up for the stupidest of reasons during my school years – and because I talked to a teacher about it, matters got worse for me.
Hence, I have mixed feelings about speaking up about things that bother me. If it’s with people I care about, I will communicate my feelings and try to resolve any issues that arise. At the same time, I wish that others would do the same with me as I can’t read the room and I can’t peak into people’s minds.
And well, things have happened. I’m regularly on Twitch and I’m a part of a bunch of communities. I used to be part of a lot more but… now I’m not.
A lot has happened. And I wanna talk about it. Some of that stuff I found incredibly fishy… I found horrible about some things that were said to me. I know from one source that people hold stuff against me to this day, so every action I take on Twitch or Twitter is accompanied by me thinking about whether or not people will think badly of me because of that. What if people think that I’m doing X because of Y? It’s that. Constantly, it’s that thought.
I used to go to a therapist for a bunch of things, especially about my relationship with my parents and some trauma… and even though I wanted to bring stuff up about all of this… I never could.
I have this urge to speak up about it and talk about my side of the story but I can’t do it. I don’t know why I feel like I have to say something… but I do know that if I were to say anything, people would just lie about it and then I’d get targeted next, just like a friend of mine who got character assassinated on Twitter a while ago after a break-up.
Even on here, I’m keeping stuff super vague. I know that not all of these people read my blog but some of them do from time to time, and I feel like anything that could allude to anything could possibly result in me getting attacked for it because people are stupid.
And it sounds like I’m paranoid about it but I saw it happening first-hand to people I used to watch a lot who can’t set one foot on this platform anymore, despite the things they did for others. It’s horrible.
Anyway, I just wanted to mention this. Even if I kept things vague, I got to talk about it a little.