Before this post continues, I’ll talk about my mental health right now and it sucks and it’s bad and potentially triggering to people. Especially later on in the post, I may talk about more serious things like suicide and depression, so, that’s your warning. Uhm, I won’t do it or anything, don’t worry, it’s just that I’ll talk about that thing and how I won’t do it but I get thoughts, so… Content Warning!
I’m having another one of those again. I thought it was just a bad day… but it was a bad week then… and honestly, this month has been pretty garbage. I got some issues with some people and next Friday, we may patch things up, hopefully? At the same time, I’m just drained from the whole pandemic thing and going from actual university to online classes again has been the most exhausting and disappointing thing last year. After getting a bit of hope for normality and university life, all of it got crushed and it sucks. It hurts even. And I just didn’t want to think that it’s that because I hate it when I get very emotional and frustrated all the time but it’s just my head doing its thing again.
I stop taking care of myself unless I have to. I hate seeing people but I still feel lonely. I have to limit how much I go outside because it takes double the amount of spoons to get ready to go outside and even more spoons out of me to actually leave the house and to actually have to deal with people at the grocery store or university. It’s draining me slowly and at the same time, I can’t get any rest because I just can’t get enough sleep. For the past week or so, I had nights upon nights where I couldn’t fall asleep until late again and where I woke up super early. Instead of feeling refreshed after waking up and being proud of getting up early, I feel tired and just exhausted. I don’t want this anymore.
But who could I turn to during this? My therapist sucks. My friends are busy. At the same time, online friends don’t have the spoons for stuff like this and most importantly, I’m the biggest roadblock to my own happiness. “Der Innere Schweinehund” or the “I hate myself for doing this” thought is effectively what’s stopping me from reaching out. I tell others that they can always reach out to me when something happens. The other day, someone even did and I’m glad I was able to help them. But it’s so fucking hard to talk to people and even if someone was to reach out and ask “hey, is everything okay”, I would probably just say that it’s fine and that I’m hanging in there. I know that no matter how much people care or don’t care, it’s a matter that I have to deal with it and it’s just an episode. It doesn’t matter. It will pass. I don’t care anymore. It sucks. I hate it. But it will go away.
I don’t want to say “depression” because it feels like such a big word and because I’m scared that it may actually be depression. I don’t want that. I envy friends of mine that can get the happy pills even though I know how much my brother hated them when he had to take them. I know how much worse some of my symptoms could get but I also don’t know if they would go away if I were to take anti-depressants and that sort of stuff. I have no clue about all of this.
And therapy would be a great option for this. I would be able to talk to a professional but I can’t afford it. If I were to do it using my health insurance, then my future employer would find out about that and potential findings. If I were to get the “D diagnosis”, I wouldn’t be able to get the civil servant status which is important. Being a civil servant isn’t my goal in the slightest and I don’t know how I’d feel about having to stay in my job as a teacher later on until I’m old and grumpy… but while it may feel like a cage, it would also mean that the job’s secured and that I can’t get fired and that I’ll have enough money to live a good life as an old person, which is something that is important in Germany, given to how many old people are incredibly poor over here right now. It’s essentially why I have to deal with the situation.
What does being in a depressed episode entail for me as a content creator? That’s a question I wanted to answer originally but I ended up just rambling onwards until here because of how much I hate the situation. As some of you may know, I’m still streaming on Twitch but my ISP sucks, so I’ve been having technical difficulties. I’m thinking about changing schedules given that I can’t sleep at night anyway and I hope that that fixes things… but I’m not sure if or when I’ll have a mental breakdown, so I’m not too sure about how much I’ll stream in the next few days. As for blogging, I’m dreading everything that I’m obligated to except for blogging. I’ll keep at it. Yesterday’s post? Sucked. I don’t know. I just really needed to get the post out. Why? Well, because it makes me feel better. Did it though? Not at all. Why? Because my headspace sucks right now.
And blogging, in general, is helpful but right now it’s the best way to distract me. Distraction is the most important thing in the world right now for me. I tend to overthink a lot and when I’m left alone with just me and my thoughts, I get fucking weird in my head, to the point where I have weird things like ending it and uh giving up completely and it just sucks. I can’t say it enough because I wanna continue all of this… and I wanna still wake up tomorrow if you catch my drift. I had this very serious time maybe a year ago where I woke up with just me and my thoughts and I nearly did it. Luckily, I tried out reaching out to some hotline and I just listened to this old person telling me why he didn’t do it even though he was in the exact same position as me. He was 22, standing on top of the roof, and wanting to be a teacher. I didn’t tell him any of that info but he just was in exactly the same position as me. Is that fate? Either way, I don’t wanna go that far again and it makes me cry thinking back to it and it’s just a hard time. So, to distract me, I’ll try drowning myself in university stuff, TV shows, games, and blogging. Mostly, university stuff… but still, I’ll continue to blog. I’ll still upload a post a day. I know that taking care of yourself is important but if I don’t do this, I’m not sure what I’ll do and it scares me. Either way, this turned out to be a rather dark post overall but uh, just take care of yourself and make sure to reach out if you need help. I like being there for people. You’re valid. Don’t worry about me. This will pass.