I’ve been really struggling with this post, so apologies for the incoming stream-of-consciousness-adjacent mess, but I just feel like I need to write about it. Writing has helped me through a lot of rougher times in the past and I’m hoping that this helps put my mind at ease a bit better and that, perhaps, me sharing my experience with grief helps someone out there as well.
On July 2nd, Belghast passed away. I only heard the news on July 4th, right before my shift at work, and I just felt gutted. There was this Belghast-shaped hole in me, and I didn’t know how to fill it.
I wasn’t particularly close to Bel. We very rarely exchanged DMs, and it was mostly Blaugust-related. I’d comment on his blog at times, and he’d often reply to it. I read most of his blog posts ever since I first came into contact with the community in July of 2019 and have been avidly following Aggrochat, his podcast. I know that in my ways, this was basically a parasocial relationship. Even so, when you’ve read someone’s thoughts for a very long time, nearly every day for years on end, and also listened to their voice frequently, they just become a familiar presence in your life.
Back in 2019, I wanted to get back into blogging, a hobby I dropped around the time of my A-levels because of a lack of time, and when I was looking for blogging communities, I found and consequently joined the Blaugust Discord. I didn’t even know who any of these people were or what Blaugust was about. I was just there to get advice, read posts, make friends, and share my own writing. Not long after, Bel announced Blaugust, so I decided to sign up for it. I ended up completing the rainbow challenge in the next couple of years, not just because I liked writing posts so much but also because I fell in love with this community. I made friends here. I met so many folks that I look up to as well. Blaugust and blogging became part of my life because of this.
And it was Belghast (and others) that fostered this community and brought in so many veterans and newbies to the blogosphere. Bel was truly a pillar of the community, one of the kindest people I’ve ever encountered online, and the way in which he shared his stories of grief, of dealing with cancer, and other complications in his life was so raw and beautiful that I couldn’t help but be in awe about this openness. He’s an inspiration, and there were a lot of things I learned from his example, for which I’m forever grateful.
I suck at dealing with grief. I heard the news right before my shift at work, as I already mentioned, and it just completely took the wind out of me. I cried while getting ready, arrived late because I simply couldn’t compose myself, and then spent the next hours trying to really keep it together while serving guests. In an odd way, work also helped as a distraction. Later, I raised a pint in his memory, which felt like the only thing I could effectively do.
I read his blog posts again the next day and left a private message to him that he’ll never get to read, with all the things I never got to tell him. All the tributes left by other people, including but not limited to Emi, UV, Bhag, Roger, Tipa, Aywren, Tam, GLP, Blockade, Wilhelm, and Shadowz, really helped me realise that I’m not alone in feeling as devastated as I am.
There are people out there who must be feeling tens of, if not hundreds of times more gutted than I am feeling right now. Again, we weren’t really close. He was an honest person, a kind soul, a pillar to the community, a rock in the stormy sea that is life, and someone who battled with so many strokes of fate and yet never let it taint his ways. An outstanding and respectable person whom I literally can’t find any bad words for.
I didn’t know him as well as I wish I had, and I never got to tell him how much his writing, his kindness, openness, and the community he built impressed me and what they meant to me. I can only imagine how much harder this loss must be for those who knew him longer or more closely. My deepest condolences to his family, friends, and everyone whose lives he touched. Thank you, Bel, for everything you gave to this community. Rest in peace.
Indiecator 